The Patience to Wait for Patience

     Well I said I'd write bi-weekly so I'm here again tryin to be good on my word. This last week and a half/ two weeks have been fairly uneventful--thankfully. After my last post I had a handful of people reach out to me about their own struggles with Hashimotos and that really helped me to understand that it's not just me...I'm not abnormal in how I feel, how constantly exhausted I am and the weight I've gained. I even got a few tidbits of advice that have been invaluable to me as well, I now go to bed by 9pm and make sure to have "me time". While I'm still battling the constant nausea, dizziness and light-headedness from my vertigo things haven't changed much. I'm really looking forward to my appointment with my Dr. in September in hopes that there's something I can do to combat this constant fog of sleepiness.
      In other news I made it to the temple last week, it was so refreshing and much needed. I'm grateful that Heavenly Father takes us in whatever state we come and is patient in helping us to be better, more healed, more comforted. Sunday Judson and I had the opportunity to meet with my bishop as well, while he didn't really counsel me like I'd expected he did empathized with my situation and share some of his own families struggles--I suppose we all have our own trials and some cannot be helped immediately. In a talk entitled "Waiting upon the Lord: Thy Will Be Done" by Robert D. Hales, he states, "Too often we pray for patience, but we want it right now!" When I read this I'd never before considered that when I prayed for patience in my trials that God would not give it to me instantaneously, that I would have to wait for the blessing of patience in order to endure the trials that were placed before me. I do know that everything will be made right in God's time, though I can't help but wish this part of my life would speed up so I could move on to healthier days. Thankfully I have a husband that is as stubborn as I am about making it though these trials and constantly supports me regardless of how needy or whiny I get. Unfortunately school starts again in a month and I'm honestly scared that I wont be able to handle it, that I just wont have the energy to function like I need to. I know focusing on it or being afraid wont help me but it's just where I'm at right now. Anyways I'm still reading the Book of Mormon, still trying to take more time to enjoy the things that I love and have even been blessed with an opportunity to serve for an extended period of time...it's easy and manageable and I'm so thankful I get to do this one small thing for someone else when I generally feel so useless. So I'm still moving forward and I can feel the heavenly help even in the little things.
      Lastly, most people I've talked to aren't thrilled about it but it was such a tender mercy for me to walk outside yesterday and feel a slight crispness in the air: fall is coming and I love all things fall. God truly is in the details of our lives and for that I am grateful.

The Cliff Notes Version

     Over the last few months I've had more people than I can count ask if we're still trying to get pregnant, whats going on with my health and generally how I've been...if you're one of those people please don't take it personally that I haven't written back to you because I honestly haven't written back to anyone. Things have been difficult and I haven't had the ability to reach out or explain. *Side note-This week I sat down and made a list of goals for myself--baby steps if you will--to help me become "me" again.

1.Finish the Book of Mormon again by the end of August
2. Pray Morning, Night and everytime I get in the car
3. Work out at least 3X a week (even if it's just for 15 minutes)
4. Follow EXACTLY what the specialist has prescribed (this is much more difficult than it sounds)
5. Sing more
6. Write on my blog bi-weekly

I've been a rockstar with my Book of Mormon reading--yes I'm tooting my own horn, I deserve it! I haven't missed a day since I started and I'm not just casually reading a chapter a day either; I'm going cover to cover in a month so I eat up about 18 pages a day. It's been wonderful incase you were wondering. Anyways so goal 1 is coming along great, as is goal 2! Working out is the bane of my existence because I'm still SO exhausted, I have the intention of going to the gym every day and by the time I'm off work I'd rather curl into a ball and be left alone than go anywhere. Which is why goal 4 is so important...I'll come back to this though. Those that know me know that I love music, dancing, singing...anything to do with the arts has always had my heart! I'm just happier when I sing and heaven knows I don't do nearly enough things for the simple fact that they make me happy. And lastly I really wanted to get back to writing bi-weekly...not because I'm good at it or because I really think people even read this thing but because it's a release for me--which is what finally motivated me to fill in the gaps for everyone who keeps checking in on me. Sorry this is so long but it's hard to sum up 6 months! 
     Every winter is rough for me, I have pretty bad seasonal depression but things usually lighten up around April/May-ish, though all winter I'd struggled with chronic migraines which I tested about 5 different medications for--none of which worked for me--, severe back issues and had been so incredibly sick I was lucky if I had a few days every-other week where I felt some semblance of "normal" Needless to say I was ready for the cold days to peace out. So as it was finally getting warm and the sun started coming out more often I was pretty stoked to start Spring semester and find my happiness again. Literally the day before we started I fractured my ankle, no biggie though I just needed a boot, some painkillers and to take things easy when I could. About a week and a half later I woke up one night in excruciating pain, I'm used to stomach pain but this felt different, so after calling my sister in Saudi (who just happened to be standing next to her nurse-friend, who advised I go to the ER) I woke up Judson and we headed to the hospital. The first trip to the hospital all they did was say that I might have an ucler, drug me up and send me home. Exactly a week later the pain was unbearable and I made my second trip to the ER; after an ultrasound and CT scan they still didn't know what was wrong so they drugged me up again and sent me home with a ton of painkillers until they could schedule an endoscopy the following week. The next week I went in for the endoscopy and found out I had Gastritis (basically just inflammation of the stomach lining, it can be caused by painkillers,stress, viruses, and bacterial infections. Fortunately it's easily treatable and goes away in a few days/weeks. Mine lasted about a month and a half.)
      In the meantime I had gotten so behind in my classes that I decided to medically defer, I just couldn't keep up and didn't want to mess up my GPA. Deferring the semester was hard for me because I tend to tie alot of my self worth into my schooling and suddenly I felt like a failure. Over the next month my depression felt like this insurmountable roadblock that I just couldn't get passed, my doctors kept me on certain pain meds that just made me weak and tired all the time, they also switched up my anxiety meds. After about a week of the new drugs, I broke. I went to work saturday morning and couldn't get out of my head, I couldn't focus, I struggled to stay awake and the worse I felt physically the more I berated myself for not being able to pull my crap together. After an hour of chastising myself for being such a loser, failure, screw-up ect. I took a break and sobbed in the bathroom...once I started I couldn't stop. I'd been suicidal since January due to my usual depression and the countless medication changes but it had come to a head the last few months and that saturday I just couldn't do it anymore. I called Judson who happened to be with my sister and said I needed to come home (knowing that if I did I would most likely lose my job...which just added to the guilt and disappointment I had in myself). My sister picked me up and I weeped the entire walk to the car, on the drive home and once inside the apartment...I just couldn't stop. Everything hurt. 
     The next day I went back to my doctor who promptly changed my anxiety meds again, told me that I was experiencing a psychotic break and then he gave me two options, either I admitted myself into a facility where I could be under 24 hour supervision or I get a family member or friend to be with me 24 hours a day until I could be reassessed in two weeks. After hearing about things my mom came out the following day to stay with me. Just to fill you in at this time I was on about 20+ prescribed medications that were supposed to be "helping me". After spending about two days with me my mom noticed what had become my norm; I could barely stay awake for 15 minutes at a time, I had little to no appetite, but had magically gained upwards of  60 pounds, my entire body was puffy and swollen, I was so bloated I could hardly wear jeans. My emotions ranged from sad to numb and I had lost all ambition to function. 
     Day 3 my mom called a family friend of ours who was heaven sent! She referred us to a specialist in Midway, Utah and then had us go buy a miracle detox. I immediately stopped taking all the meds I was on (which can be so dangerous and is not the best option for everyone but it was the right decision for me at that time). The week after I stopped taking everything I was experiencing some serious withdrawal symptoms...I really struggled to keep my suicidal desires under control. I'd called and scheduled an appt with the doctor and a week later we were in Utah. Well as luck would have it the morning of my appointment I got up around 5am to go to the bathroom and slipped on the stairs in the dark. My mom and I headed to urgent care, fortunately it was just a bad sprain (that, over 2 months later still isn't healed). We were 20 minutes late to my appointment, I hadn't eaten or showered and was in a boot and on crutches but my doctor was absolutely wonderful and very much worth the wait, drive and hassle. He actually listened to what I said was going on with my body and mind, took stock of all the medications I'd been on, took a DNA sample, 11 viles of blood and made an appointment to see me again in three weeks to give me the results. My mom went home that weekend and my youngest sister came in two days later to help me until I could meet with the doctor again. My ankle was still a mess and I got viciously sick that week, I also quit my job (which was both a relief and stressed the heck out of me).
   Fast forward 3 weeks to my next appointment and my doctor outlined a new program for me based on all of my diseases which now consist of:

-Celiac

-PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome)

-IC (interstitial cystitis)

-Hypoglycemia

-Hashimotos 

-Hypothyroidism (yes it is correlated with Hashimotos, no they are not the same thing)

-Anxiety

-Depression

-Chronic Migraines

I no longer eat sugar, follow a low carb diet, avoid an array of particular foods like eggs yokes, citrus fruits, peanuts and fruit juice, bananas and anything fried, get a mandatory 15 minutes of sunshine a day, work out 3x's a week (I'm slowly picking this one up), take 2 meds for my thyroid, multiple supplements, as well as a medication for inflammation (which also helps me to kick the opiate addiction I've been struggling with). Over the last two weeks I'm down 5 pounds...I still have a LOOOONG way to go but I'm much more clear headed, less emotional, the suicidal thoughts are subsiding and I can actually make it through an entire day without a nap! I found out that sugar withdrawal is a real thing and had massive headaches for the first week and a half and was grumpy as all get out. And if you're wondering yes, I often struggle to figure out what to eat, my doctor insisted that I up my calorie intake to 1,600-1,700 a day...which is really hard when I'm so limited, but I'm making it work. I also got a new job that is much more up my ally than the last one and makes me happy. Lastly, until my health is under control my doctor has advised us to put off trying to get pregnant, which is definitely for the best right now. 
     My life is nothing like I imagined it would be and these past few years have easily been the hardest of my entire life thus far. God is one of my few constants and I'm so grateful to know that He still loves me flaws and all. I have yet to understand why these trials are necessary and while I'm not there yet I know that I will get to be happy again someday. 

*If you're going through trials similar to mine and would like a referral to my specialist or need someone to listen without judgement please reach out to me (and if you can't reach out right now take comfort in knowing that it does it get better...not all at once but steadily, God will help you if you lean into Him and Christs atonement). 
This set of scriptures have really helped me...maybe they can help you too. God never leaves us alone.
 

"And it came to pass that there arose a mist of darkness; yea, even an exceedingly great mist of darkness, insomuch that they who had commenced in the path did lose their way, that they wandered off and were lost."

"And after I had traveled for the space of many hours in darkness, I began to pray unto the Lord that he would have mercy on me, according to the multitude of his tender mercies."

 "And it came to pass that I beheld others pressing forward, and they came forth and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press forward through the mist of darkness, clinging to the rod of iron, even until they did come forth and partake of the fruit of the tree."

 1 Nephi 8: 8, 23-24

     

Calling All Friends

*Let me preface this post by saying that I know I'm young, I know I've only been married for a year and a half, I understand that God is aware of me and my situation and I do realize that today is just a day and there are better days to come; but today was hard.

     Those that know me know of the endless health issues I strive to keep under control, none of which are life threatening, but all of which are an inconvenience...especially when trying to conceive (TTC). I've been told by multiple doctors, visit after visit that TTC would be difficult for me but not impossible and with every diagnosis I brushed it off with the thought that it didn't affect me right now and I would have time to worry about those things later. Well...it's later.

     In September of last year I finally felt like Judson and I hit a healthy stride in our marriage, we were in school, financially stable, active participants in our ward and callings, we were mushily in love and finally settled with ourselves and with each other. With General Conference approaching in less than a month I sat down to think and pray about questions I would ask during these two days of enlightenment and revelation. A tenderness pricked my heart and nudged me to jot down the question "How can I prepare to become a mother?", it was odd to see it written down since motherhood was not something I felt slightly prepared for, nor really desired at the time; Judson and I had a plan. General Conference came and went, I listened for the answers that I felt God had prepared for me, but felt no particular promptings concerning motherhood or the possibility of starting a family. Still, the thought would not leave me...I found myself thinking about how to make things work, time frame, my education, finances, health issues and everything else that comes with bringing a life into this hectic world. All these ponderings left me in the same place...Judson and I had a plan, no need to hurry things along, we would have a family...just not right now. Month after month the thought of being a mother, of having a baby, of starting a family, would squirm its way into my head and was now tugging at my heartstrings. 
     In December my sister, Dara had moved out and we had a vacant room I didn't touch it until about February after we'd gotten tax returns. I decided that in order to keep myself busy I would start decorating our now empty bedroom and began piecing furniture, colors and refurbishing projects together. The more the room came together the more I realized that what I wanted more than that extra twin bed for guests, was a crib for a baby. As per usual I pushed these thoughts aside and tried to "stick to the plan".  In March we went to Boise to visit my older siblings, both of which have the cutest kids in the entire universe! Being their aunt is easily one of the brightest spots in my life! Our weekend with them flew by and on the drive back to Rexburg those feelings that had been pestering me for 7 months had had it. I can only imagine how surprised Judson was to suddenly  hear me blurt out that I wanted kids...NOW. He laughed and then said we'd talk about it later, but I'd already been putting it off and couldn't wait for another 4 hours to discuss it (bless his heart for being so endlessly patient with me). Long story short we decided we would start trying. Key word being "try", getting pregnant is not as easy as "16 and Pregnant" makes it seem...at least not for me.

I immediately downloaded an app to track my ovulation, bought ovulation tests to be sure not to miss the days that I would be most likely to conceive, started taking all the vitamins I was told would help with TTC and the ones I would need for after I did get pregnant. Everything I could do to prep for the potential pregnancy I was on top of.  I've never tracked something so religiously in my life! Suddenly babies and baby things were everywhere I looked, every show on TV, every pin on pinterest, every conversation with co-workers and friends seems to center on children. So when 6 days before my period came I took a test...just to see and it was negative. "Maybe the hormone just hasn't build up enough? Thats gotta be it"...every pang in my abdomen, every odd emotion or craving felt like "a sign" that I could be pregnant. Needless to say I went through 4 other tests in those 6 days and all revealed the same result: Negative, I was not pregnant. After doing some research I realized that I might just be someone who's hormones don't change enough to show up on a test and that I might need to wait until after I'd actually missed my cycle to test again.
     So today was the day. I woke up feeling like I'd won the lottery because I'd completely skipped my very regular cycle, but I didn't have any tests left so I hopped out the door to pick up what I hoped would be the final test I would take, the test that would magically show those two pink lines I'd been dying to see and all my efforts would be worth it! On my way home from the store I felt that all too familiar twist of my insides and I knew. The rest of the drive home I tried to stay positive, "maybe it was just an implantation cramp...maybe I'm wrong, I could just be imagining things, It's fine, I'm sure it's fine". It was not just an implantation cramp and the test I bought was no longer needed to confirm what was so plainly in front of me. I'm not pregnant. It's amazing how quickly you can cycle through some of the 5 stages of grief and how long other stages seem to linger; I first tried talking myself into thinking that I could just be spotting, then I was angry that I'd let myself get so attached to the idea that I could really conceive so quickly, that every effort would pay off almost immediately. In my head I pleaded with Heavenly Father to somehow make this work, to reverse what had already happened in exchange for me taking better care of health (just incase you were unaware God does not bargain with you...or me unfortunately), all these emotions seemed to come and go seamlessly...until I hit depression. I understand that it's only been a day...but boy does my heart hurt. I also understand that it takes the average couple 6-12 months to conceive, that I am not abnormal and this does not mean that we are infertile...but I feel like some kid who saved up money for an ice cream cone only to drop in on the pavement and watch as it melted. 
     Now normally I am not one to share personal experiences or trials out in the open but I realized that I have a long road ahead of me...whether that be more negative tests, miscarriages, endless doctors appointments, morning sickness, a child with colic, or navigation through adoption, and I'm going to need support. My husband is WONDERFUL, but I have no doubt he'll need the support too. 
     Now for those friends of mine who I know struggle with infertility and have for years...I cannot say that I know the depth of how your heart aches but today I got a taste of it and it was a hard pill to swallow. I hope you'll be patient with me as I attempt to navigate through all these emotions and maybe share how you have continued to stay hopeful in this situation. 
If you've made it through this long story of mine and are still with me, I just want you to know that I know there are better days to come, that God keeps His promises and that there is endless love and joy found in the gospel of Jesus Christ, that healing comes and that life goes on. But today I am sad and I hope tomorrow will be better.