In The Wave Pool

"Pure love is an incomparable, potent power for good. Righteous love is the foundation of a successful marriage... Marriage is wonderful. In time you begin to think alike and have the same ideas and impressions. You have times when you are extremely happy, times of testing, and times of trial, but the Lord guides you through all of those growth experiences together."

-Richard G Scott ( The Eternal Blessings of Marriage, April 2011, General Conference)

Have you ever been in a wave pool?

As a kid I remember going to Water World and waiting for them to turn on the waves, anxious and nervous and excited all at the same time. When the waves started they were small, easy to handle and low enough to jump over; I remember thinking that I could ease out a little further, afterall the waves weren't that big. Minutes later I would be struggling to keep my little head above the waves, grabbing onto anyone or anything near me, pulling them down and making others lose their balance, eventually I would end up closer to the shore, back to where the waves were more mild. As I got older and became a more proficient swimmer, I found that I could handle the bigger waves, that they didn't wash me out or tower above my head, I no longer needed help to stay afloat and could manage myself in the deep end. After 7 months of marriage I've found that it is much like a wave pool. 

In the beginning I thought it would be so easy to compromise, to get along, to make decisions, to be agreeable, to communicate and to share, so I jumped in with both feet and swam like a banshee to the deep end, anxious for the waves to start rolling; and roll they did. You see I was not yet a skilled enough swimmer to be in the deep end, I had not thought through all the waves that might come crashing down on my head and had not considered that I would need a flotation device or lifeguard on the sidelines. I had not taken the time to truly understand the eternal choice I had made and all that accompanies a "wave pool" of this magnitude. Needless to say the the first 5 months of marriage were full of big waves, lots of swallowed water and many many flotation devices thrown my way. 

Ever since I can remember my mother has always told me that I am extremely stubborn...and as much as I hate to admit it, she's right. I have a habit of taking the scenic route, doing things the hard way and learning lessons first hand; I've never been one to "take someone's word for it", or "learn from others mistakes", all in all I've swallowed a lot of water over the years. Though I've struggled to keep my head above the waves on numerous occasions I've really only feared "drowning" twice, once on my mission and again right after I got married. I love and adore my husband, but to say being married has been the happiest, easiest time of my life would be an out-right lie and I'm confident my husband would tell you the same thing. Now I won't go into detail about the different kinds of "hard" we have faced but I will tell you that we are coming out on the other side of it and that choosing to keep our covenants to Heavenly Father and to each other has easily been the best decision I have ever made in my entire life. While I may be the most stubborn kid my mother has raised --bless her heart-- I've learned so so much, and believe me when I say that there are some lessons that I wish I would have "taken my mothers word for", but the growth in my marriage, my testimony and my faith in a loving Savior are things I would not trade for the world. During this time in our "wave pool", we have both fought against the current, kicked till our legs cramped, swallowed gallons of water and feared drowning, because of this experience we have slowly learned to ride the waves, to call out to a "lifeguard" --when needed-- and enjoy this time we have together, learning to swim, float and carry on. Marriage is hard, life is hard but the comfort that comes from living the gospel eases the growing pains and helps us to become the people God sent us here to become. All of our experiences are pushing us to become like Him and for that opportunity I'd gladly fight the waves for eternity.

A Foundation in Friendship

       Recently I read an article on Facebook about a woman who suddenly discovered that she was an abusive spouse, not that she was physically beating her husband, nor sexually assaulting him but the way in which she spoke to him was so degrading that she was verbally and emotionally inflicting harm on the man she loved. Throughout her story she realizes how petty she's been and decides to stop, when she decides to be kinder to her husband their marriage becomes enjoyable again; it was a good story but I mostly thought this lady was nuts and promptly vowed to never be that crazy. Fast forward a week and two chapters into Gottman's book, " The Seven Principles for making a Marriage Work",  and I'm rethinking every confrontation my husband and I have had in the last 7 months of marriage wondering if I too, am an abusive spouse. I'll admit it sounds dramatic, probably because it is, but it had me thinking about how I speak to the person I have chosen to spend my entire life and all eternity with, the person I have chosen to have kids with, start a career with, build a home and pursue numberless goals with. I love and respect my husband and recognize that we both have faults, that we have a disagreement at least once a day- usually about something trivial- and that marriage takes work, but I also recognize that we have the same goals temporally and spiritually. Our mission president always said, "Any worthy young man and worthy young woman can make a marriage work", and I truly believe that. When both parties are striving to become like Jesus Christ, the only

perfect person to ever live, you have a common goal and can see in each other the efforts being made to obtain that goal. Yes we still have faults, of course we have preferences on silly things and bicker when we don't get our way, and I'm positive that we could stand to improve in a number of ways; but what makes me love him more and more every day is the effort I see him putting into strengthening his testimony, his relationship with God and his relationship with me by putting the gospel first. There is such security in knowing that Heavenly Father is in all things, including our marriage and our home. 

"In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don't just "get along"- they also support each other's hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together."

-(John M. Gottman, PH. D. The Seven Principles for making a Marriage Work)

     While I have come to the conclusion that I am not an abusive spouse, as I had before been thrown into a panic over, I do have some things to work on. One thing in particular that stuck out to me in reading Gottmans book was the idea that a marriage is more likely to succeed if it is based in friendship, so before running off to change every little thing about the way we communicate and condemning myself for not perfect at this whole marriage thing, I've shifted my onto focus on building our friendship, one day at a time. Friends have a mutual sense of respect, trust and loyalty for one another and encourage, cheer on and support each other in all stages of life, if we can become each others best friend I believe we have a good foundation for a great marriage.

Together Forever

“Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” 

One of my all time favorite primary songs is "Love is Spoken here", in fact when I was three years old instead of giving a talk in primary I got up and sang this song.

     "I see my mother kneeling with our family each day.
I hear the words she whispers as she bows her head to pray. Her plea to the Father quiets all my fears And I am thankful love is spoken here. Mine is a home where ev'ry hour is blessed by The strength of priesthood pow'r, With father and mother leading the way, Teaching me how to trust and obey; And the things they teach are crystal clear, For love is spoken here."

     As addressed in my first post my parents separated when I was 6 and divorced when I   was almost 8, so while I loved this song it was not at all the kind of home I was growing up in. My father on many levels has failed to keep his covenants and tore apart the home and family that my siblings and I were entitled to, and its left its scars on all of us. In thinking about our divine gender roles this last week I realized that my father was incapable of acting as he should have, whether his past, traumatic experiences defined him, his testimony was weak or his temptations too great, he was not up for the responsibilities placed on his plate. I think that speaks more of his ignorance than anything else, it seems to me that he simply did not know that he was a child of God, and that above all my father was loved by Him. Because my dad didn't know this for himself, he also didn't understand the great influence the lack of priesthood power in our home would have on my siblings and I. A fathers role in the home is to not only provide temporally for his family but to provide spiritually, to help build and increase testimonies, to teach us how to rely on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in times of need, and to show us how to love ourselves, because we are worth far more than this world has to offer. But as a child when our father does not know these things how can you? How could we?

     We are all sent to this earth to become charitable, Christ-like beings, those that can help the wounded and heal the broken, those that can adhere to the promptings of the spirit and act in accordance with the laws and ordinances that we have agreed to, that can stand as witness of God and those that can protect others, who cannot protect themselves. In this very short life it is important to know our place, to know where we belong and to find within ourselves the tools that will help us return home; we must not forget to strengthen our relationships with Christ so that we can in turn help others who have become lost--more importantly we must consider how our actions, knowledge and examples will affect the children around us.

Though my biological father fell short of his divine calling in this life, I was blessed with a mother who taught me my worth, how to pray and how to serve and a father-though not by blood- who taught me to be patient, to be strengthened by my trials and that I was truly worth more than this world could give me. I am honored to be sealed to such strong, faithful people. Every day I am grateful for parents who understand who they are and the important role they have in helping me come to the knowledge of my role and place in this world.

All about Respect

Last night my family and I had to opportunity to go to my youngest sisters 8^th grade choir concert, they sang everything from old folk songs to new age pop numbers, with cute choreography to go along with each piece. One number in particular left a lasting impression on me, at the beginning of the performance four girls came to stand at the front of the stage and one by one listed countless things they wished they could change about themselves, “I wish I were funnier, I wish I were as pretty as the popular girls, I wish I wasn’t so awkward, I wish my nose was smaller, I wish I was skinnier, I wish I was taller…” after 10 or so of these statements the girls stepped back to join the choir and sang a newer song by Colbie Calliat entitled “Try”, these are the lyrics and a link to the video -

Put your make up on
Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim
So they like you. Do they like you?

Get your sexy on
Don't be shy, girl
Take it off
This is what you want, to belong
So they like you. Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Get your shopping on,
At the mall,
Max your credit cards
You don't have to choose,
Buy it all
So they like you. Do they like you?

Wait a second,
Why should you care, what they think of you
When you're all alone, by yourself
Do you like you? Do you like you?

Chorus X2

Take your make up off
Let your hair down
Take a breath
Look into the mirror, at yourself
Don't you like you?
Cause I like you.

At the end of each verse the girls would come to the front and list of another 10 things they didn’t like about themselves, but at the end each girl had 2-3 empowering statements, things they DID like about themselves, “I love my family, I like that I get good grades, I like my friends, I love my voice, I’m good at basketball..” then in unison the whole group announces, “I AM STRONG, I AM ENOUGH!” I had goosebumps all up and down my body and was honestly so moved that I was emotional. In all the years I’ve been going to choir concerts (there’s seven kids in my family and I’m in the middle so I’ve been to A LOT), I’ve never heard a more relevant song for a group of 8^th grade girls.

Society and culture dictate much of what we think of ourselves and what is deemed “appropriate”. Right now there is a huge push for people to be accepting of alternative lifestyles, primarily gay marriage. In this movement it has suddenly become unacceptable for me to be myself, to think and feel and have my own opinion about what a family is and God’s role is in that union. In order to love those who are pro-gay marriage-- those people who just want to be accepted for who they are and how they feel-- I must deny my beliefs and sacrifice myself in the process, because being me is no longer “appropriate”. While in the fight to make gay marriage the norm, it is ostracizing those of us who still believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. In order to keep equal rights we must tolerate the beliefs and feelings of everyone, that includes those who do not believe in supporting same sex marriage.

I have a thorough belief that we were sent to this earth to love and care for one another, but it seems to me that these days we spend more time tearing each other down rather and building each other up. There has to be a mutual respect for those that believe different from you, whether you support gay marriage or traditional marriage, we are all still children of a loving Heavenly Father, and our goal is to ultimately make it back to Him...hopefully with the rest of our brothers and sisters here on earth.

Of Missions and Marriage

"A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection." 

-Elder Dallin H Oaks

     I remember the day I decided to go on a mission, it was the summer of 2012 and I was sitting on my kitchen counter watching one of the Elders from our ward make bacon—we had a weekly tradition of having the missionaries over for breakfast every Saturday—while cooking, Elder Schumacher looked at me and said, “so when are you going on a mission?” and that was it. Two months later I was in the New York Rochester Mission, stoked out of my mind and absolutely clueless about how hard this whole journey was going to be. It was rough—hilariously, miserably, wonderfully difficult and I miss it every single day. As always God knew what I needed more than I did. About half way through my mission I was on exchanges in Buffalo, it was like every other exchange that I’d been on; new people, different part of the mission, different companion and new appointments; on my last night there we had one stop to make at a less actives house to share a short message and then head home, but when we got there the Elders had beaten us to it. In short the meeting would have been lack-luster and all in all forgettable, if I hadn’t been so annoyed with the Elder sitting next to me. This Elder said NOTHING the entire time, almost refusing to help us teach this less active and her family, and seemed to me to reek of arrogance. Elder Stoddard had quickly become my least favorite Elder in the mission.

Fast forward two transfers, one mission president, and two companions later we got transfer calls and none other than THE Elder Stoddard was coming to join the area. I was less than thrilled. Over the course of that transfer though, I learned that he wasn’t the arrogant, self-important, pretty-boy I’d pegged him as; he was actually just shy, slightly socially awkward and humble as could be. I grew to respect him as a missionary and then as a friend just around the time I was being transferred out of the area. I only saw him a handful of times after that before returning home in December of 2013; but to my surprise he wrote. Every week after coming home I got a letter and an email, every week until he got home July 3, 2014—seven months after me. He flew out to see me one week after getting home, we were engaged by August and married on October 18, 2014.

We've only been married for six months now have had our fair share of trials already, marriage is hard, harder than my mission and I thought my mission was actually going to kill me! But seriously. Every day takes effort, effort to communicate, to serve, to show love, to show respect, to work together, to take care of one another, to comfort, cheer on and move forward, and honestly sometimes it’s scary.

"There are many good Church members who have been divorced. I speak first to them. We know that many of you are innocent victims—members whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period. Members who have experienced such abuse have firsthand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce. When a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it."

 -Dallin H. Oaks (Divorce, May 2007)

My parents divorced when I was 7 so I always seem to wonder if I’ll ever push my husband that far, that he won’t want to work at it anymore, that he’ll grow tired of the trials we share and lose the desire to move forward with me, but what gives me great hope is the message of the gospel and our common desire to keep our covenants. After my parents’ divorce our family was very broken and it took years for us to heal, but that healing wouldn’t have been possible without the assistance of a loving Savior. As with all wounds many of us still have scars in the forms of fears about marriage, of being left behind, of pushing people away and of not finding happiness on our own. In my very short six months of marriage those scars are starting to fade and I can feel those wounds left from my parents’ divorce starting to disappear. In the April 2012 General Conference Henry B Eyring stated, “It is the will of the Lord to strengthen and preserve the family unit. We plead with fathers to take their rightful place as the head of the house. We ask mothers to sustain and support their husbands and to be lights to their children.” I love this quote because I know it is true, I have seen it in my own life; that when fathers and mothers come together to uphold the sacred callings that God has given them and work together to provide a home where the spirit can dwell the Lord blesses and strengthens them. We are a covenant making and keeping people and with those covenants come promised blessings and heavenly aid in our times of distress and heartache.