Meet the Parents

"Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else." 

Doctrine and Covenants 42:22

     I've only been married a short while and we're still very much in the "laying down the laws" stage of our marriage and with our families. While getting along with the in-laws is a world wide issue, every situation is still unique in its own right. Recently I had a conversation with my mother in law that helped us to be able to connect and move forward in our relationship. Getting married quickly post-mission is so common in our faith, and while it's a popular tradition I think it leaves so much room for hurt feelings and families that feel left behind and disconnected. A major focus for me this week was how to join together with my spouse, equally important is to continue to nurture those relationships within our extended families, but set new boundaries. Setting those boundaries may prove harder than others depending on the sensitivity of those involved, but is always possible. God intended for our families to be together forever, not just our spouses and children, but our entire family which will hopefully include the majority of earths inhabitants. We were sent to earth t help each other return home, so keeping the relationships that we already have is just another perk to the plan. I'm so grateful for a loving and patient spouse who works with me to strengthen our relationship and move forward in this journey called life.

In His Arms

"Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity. The requirement that we be one is not for this life alone. It is to be without end." - Henry B. Eyring

     God has created divine purposes within each of us, most of which are individual; whether they are to develop talents, lead nations, guide our families or become world renown, we will hopefully become who God intended us to be. There are some things that our Heavenly Father requires of us that unite us in purpose though, we are all called to be disciples of Christ and help each other return home. We do this by joining together in marriage, in friendship and in a church family. One thing I've realized is that God never intended for us to go through this life alone, that's why He sent His Son to this earth, so that we might have even one person to stand by our side, but how wonderful and merciful is it that God not only provided us His Son but also provided us with companions to love, lead and teach us?

Though I've only been married for a short time I've come to a deep sense of gratitude for my companion; yes he makes me laugh, provides for us and is a faithful priesthood holder, but that's not the only reason I feel I have so much to be grateful for. When I come home from a bad day and he immediately puts his arms around me, without saying a word, I feel safe, like whatever else is going on in the world or in my life is going to be ok, it will all work out. I often think of Adam and Eve in the garden, I can't even imagine how scared Eve must have been when she went to explain what she had done to Adam; but she did it anyways and when she did I have no doubt that he put his arms around her and comforted her. As companions we have such a sacred responsibility with the hearts, fears, insecurities, hopes and dreams of our other halves. When we truly become one we not only strengthen our marriages but we strengthen our relationships with our Heavenly Father as well.

A Mother At Home

"If the activities of the day really are so tiring that a woman has little time or energy left to develop her relationship with her husband, she or the couple together might examine her life carefully, to decide which things can be given up for the good of the most important relationship she will ever be involved in." 

-Brent Barlow (They Twain Shall Be One, Ensign; 1986)

 

There is a glorification in the word "busy" these days, implicating that busyness leads to success and importance, that if you are "busy" you are exempt from other duties, at the very least your excuse is more noble because you "have a lot going on". How often does someone ask for your help and your response is, "just a minute", "let me do this first", "I'm busy right now", "can I help you later?', what are we really saying when we put off our home and family duties for hobbies, work or people outside the family?
When a couple joins in marriage, to be sealed for time and all eternity they make covenants not only to each other but to God, to love, honor, build up, and grow together, making covenants is the whole reason we are on this earth, and our partner becomes our most important responsibility. Each married couple who has the opportunity to start a family and does such is then given the stewardship over their children, to teach, love and protect. " In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." (The Family: A Proclamation to the world)

No role in the home is too great or too little for either partners, but we have been given divine guidance from a loving Heavenly Father that helps us identify our place in the home. "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children." (The Family: A Proclamation to the world) 

We have such an important role in God's eternal plan and Satan wants nothing more than to distract us from our divine callings. When we limit the distractions of the world and focus on the reason we have been sent to this earth we will find that God intends us to have much more happiness than anything in this world could offer and that happiness is found within the principles of the gospel and at home with our families.

Perfect Love Casteth Out All Fear

"Our lives should be examples of goodness and virtue as we try to emulate His example to the world. Good works by each of us can do credit both to the Savior and His Church. As you are engaged in doing good, being honorable and upright men and women, the Light of Christ will be reflected by your lives." 

One of my all time favorite scriptures is from 1 John 4:18, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear..." 

On my mission this scripture continually ran through my mind as a constant reminder of my calling to be as Christ is, to bear His name and do for these people what He would do if He were here at this moment. In a world filled with hatred, anxieties, poverty, discrimination and exuberant amounts of other evils, we as member's are to be a light to those that we encounter...but all that we must learn, must first be taught and practiced in the home.

A Resolution

"Understanding the connection between agency and anger is the first step in eliminating it from our lives. We can choose not to become angry. And we can make that choice today, right now: 'I will never become angry again.' "

 

Agency is the most precious gift that Heavenly Father has given us, without it there wouldn't even be a need for a Savior. With this gift comes the responsibility to make wise and righteous choices...and sometimes those choices are not easy. In a talk by Lynn G. Robbins, entitled "Agency and Anger" he discusses the emotional consequences when we fail to exercise our agency with the spirit, "Anger is an uncivil attempt to make another feel guilty or a cruel way of trying to correct them. It is often mislabeled as discipline but is almost always counterproductive. Therefore the scriptural warning: “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them,” and “fathers provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged”." I think this quote strikes at every heart that has ever thought negatively of another or spoke harshly against those that we love. 

The entire purpose of our life on earth is help each other return to our loving Heavenly Father and when we chose to degrade and cut down those around us we lose out on opportunities to show them not only our love for them, but God's love for them. I think it's safe to say that life is hard enough without those sent to help us, using unkind words and cruel tones to belittle how we feel about ourselves. Just as Elder Robbins stated, "we can make that choice today, right now: 'I will never become angry again.' "

Never Alone

One of my favorite moments in the scriptures is when Christ is in the Garden suffering and an angel comes down to comfort Him in a time of deep sorrow and heartache, often times I have recalled this story when I have felt undeserving, too weak or too stubborn to seek for help. Christ, the Son of the Living God felt so broken, so depressed, and so defeated that even He needed another to comfort Him. In Doctrine and Covenants Section 122: 7-8 we read of the struggle of Joseph Smith, the Prophet of the Restoration and how even in his unwavering faith he questioned if there was an end to the trials that he had had to endure, in his time of need he was met with this response, “And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.” And then the crowning moment of this exchange suddenly puts everything back into place and eases the earthly pain,” The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?” No, I am not greater than He, and I will endure the pains of this life, but oh how grateful I am that I need not do it alone.

Throughout my life I have been blessed with person after person to help aid in my growth and soothe my wounds, I have found peace within the arms of a loving Savior and a harbor to rest at in my family and now at this time in my life I have found solace within the love of my sweet husband. While life is difficult and sometimes even more difficult is the convincing of myself to seek for help when I’ve become lost, tired or feel depleted I am grateful to know that I have a partner who I can turn to and confide in.

“I do not believe in a one-and-only soul mate for anyone, I do know this: once you commit to being married, your spouse becomes your soul mate, and it is your duty and responsibility to work every day to keep it that way. Once you have committed, the search for a soul mate is over. Our thoughts and actions turn from looking to creating.” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, CES Fireside for Young Adults, November 1, 2009)

While we are far from perfect I know that both my husband and I are committed to building and creating the life we desire and that can only happen through working together, cherishing our marriage, living our covenants and turning into each other rather than tuning out. Marriage is such a blessing and can become your greatest joy if only you are willing to put in the work. Please take a moment to enjoy one of my favorite songs entitled "Never Alone" By Lady Antebellum, it has often reminded me that I am never forsaken in this life and always have a loving Savior to turn to.

In The Wave Pool

"Pure love is an incomparable, potent power for good. Righteous love is the foundation of a successful marriage... Marriage is wonderful. In time you begin to think alike and have the same ideas and impressions. You have times when you are extremely happy, times of testing, and times of trial, but the Lord guides you through all of those growth experiences together."

-Richard G Scott ( The Eternal Blessings of Marriage, April 2011, General Conference)

Have you ever been in a wave pool?

As a kid I remember going to Water World and waiting for them to turn on the waves, anxious and nervous and excited all at the same time. When the waves started they were small, easy to handle and low enough to jump over; I remember thinking that I could ease out a little further, afterall the waves weren't that big. Minutes later I would be struggling to keep my little head above the waves, grabbing onto anyone or anything near me, pulling them down and making others lose their balance, eventually I would end up closer to the shore, back to where the waves were more mild. As I got older and became a more proficient swimmer, I found that I could handle the bigger waves, that they didn't wash me out or tower above my head, I no longer needed help to stay afloat and could manage myself in the deep end. After 7 months of marriage I've found that it is much like a wave pool. 

In the beginning I thought it would be so easy to compromise, to get along, to make decisions, to be agreeable, to communicate and to share, so I jumped in with both feet and swam like a banshee to the deep end, anxious for the waves to start rolling; and roll they did. You see I was not yet a skilled enough swimmer to be in the deep end, I had not thought through all the waves that might come crashing down on my head and had not considered that I would need a flotation device or lifeguard on the sidelines. I had not taken the time to truly understand the eternal choice I had made and all that accompanies a "wave pool" of this magnitude. Needless to say the the first 5 months of marriage were full of big waves, lots of swallowed water and many many flotation devices thrown my way. 

Ever since I can remember my mother has always told me that I am extremely stubborn...and as much as I hate to admit it, she's right. I have a habit of taking the scenic route, doing things the hard way and learning lessons first hand; I've never been one to "take someone's word for it", or "learn from others mistakes", all in all I've swallowed a lot of water over the years. Though I've struggled to keep my head above the waves on numerous occasions I've really only feared "drowning" twice, once on my mission and again right after I got married. I love and adore my husband, but to say being married has been the happiest, easiest time of my life would be an out-right lie and I'm confident my husband would tell you the same thing. Now I won't go into detail about the different kinds of "hard" we have faced but I will tell you that we are coming out on the other side of it and that choosing to keep our covenants to Heavenly Father and to each other has easily been the best decision I have ever made in my entire life. While I may be the most stubborn kid my mother has raised --bless her heart-- I've learned so so much, and believe me when I say that there are some lessons that I wish I would have "taken my mothers word for", but the growth in my marriage, my testimony and my faith in a loving Savior are things I would not trade for the world. During this time in our "wave pool", we have both fought against the current, kicked till our legs cramped, swallowed gallons of water and feared drowning, because of this experience we have slowly learned to ride the waves, to call out to a "lifeguard" --when needed-- and enjoy this time we have together, learning to swim, float and carry on. Marriage is hard, life is hard but the comfort that comes from living the gospel eases the growing pains and helps us to become the people God sent us here to become. All of our experiences are pushing us to become like Him and for that opportunity I'd gladly fight the waves for eternity.

A Foundation in Friendship

       Recently I read an article on Facebook about a woman who suddenly discovered that she was an abusive spouse, not that she was physically beating her husband, nor sexually assaulting him but the way in which she spoke to him was so degrading that she was verbally and emotionally inflicting harm on the man she loved. Throughout her story she realizes how petty she's been and decides to stop, when she decides to be kinder to her husband their marriage becomes enjoyable again; it was a good story but I mostly thought this lady was nuts and promptly vowed to never be that crazy. Fast forward a week and two chapters into Gottman's book, " The Seven Principles for making a Marriage Work",  and I'm rethinking every confrontation my husband and I have had in the last 7 months of marriage wondering if I too, am an abusive spouse. I'll admit it sounds dramatic, probably because it is, but it had me thinking about how I speak to the person I have chosen to spend my entire life and all eternity with, the person I have chosen to have kids with, start a career with, build a home and pursue numberless goals with. I love and respect my husband and recognize that we both have faults, that we have a disagreement at least once a day- usually about something trivial- and that marriage takes work, but I also recognize that we have the same goals temporally and spiritually. Our mission president always said, "Any worthy young man and worthy young woman can make a marriage work", and I truly believe that. When both parties are striving to become like Jesus Christ, the only

perfect person to ever live, you have a common goal and can see in each other the efforts being made to obtain that goal. Yes we still have faults, of course we have preferences on silly things and bicker when we don't get our way, and I'm positive that we could stand to improve in a number of ways; but what makes me love him more and more every day is the effort I see him putting into strengthening his testimony, his relationship with God and his relationship with me by putting the gospel first. There is such security in knowing that Heavenly Father is in all things, including our marriage and our home. 

"In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don't just "get along"- they also support each other's hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together."

-(John M. Gottman, PH. D. The Seven Principles for making a Marriage Work)

     While I have come to the conclusion that I am not an abusive spouse, as I had before been thrown into a panic over, I do have some things to work on. One thing in particular that stuck out to me in reading Gottmans book was the idea that a marriage is more likely to succeed if it is based in friendship, so before running off to change every little thing about the way we communicate and condemning myself for not perfect at this whole marriage thing, I've shifted my onto focus on building our friendship, one day at a time. Friends have a mutual sense of respect, trust and loyalty for one another and encourage, cheer on and support each other in all stages of life, if we can become each others best friend I believe we have a good foundation for a great marriage.

Together Forever

“Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” 

One of my all time favorite primary songs is "Love is Spoken here", in fact when I was three years old instead of giving a talk in primary I got up and sang this song.

     "I see my mother kneeling with our family each day.
I hear the words she whispers as she bows her head to pray. Her plea to the Father quiets all my fears And I am thankful love is spoken here. Mine is a home where ev'ry hour is blessed by The strength of priesthood pow'r, With father and mother leading the way, Teaching me how to trust and obey; And the things they teach are crystal clear, For love is spoken here."

     As addressed in my first post my parents separated when I was 6 and divorced when I   was almost 8, so while I loved this song it was not at all the kind of home I was growing up in. My father on many levels has failed to keep his covenants and tore apart the home and family that my siblings and I were entitled to, and its left its scars on all of us. In thinking about our divine gender roles this last week I realized that my father was incapable of acting as he should have, whether his past, traumatic experiences defined him, his testimony was weak or his temptations too great, he was not up for the responsibilities placed on his plate. I think that speaks more of his ignorance than anything else, it seems to me that he simply did not know that he was a child of God, and that above all my father was loved by Him. Because my dad didn't know this for himself, he also didn't understand the great influence the lack of priesthood power in our home would have on my siblings and I. A fathers role in the home is to not only provide temporally for his family but to provide spiritually, to help build and increase testimonies, to teach us how to rely on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in times of need, and to show us how to love ourselves, because we are worth far more than this world has to offer. But as a child when our father does not know these things how can you? How could we?

     We are all sent to this earth to become charitable, Christ-like beings, those that can help the wounded and heal the broken, those that can adhere to the promptings of the spirit and act in accordance with the laws and ordinances that we have agreed to, that can stand as witness of God and those that can protect others, who cannot protect themselves. In this very short life it is important to know our place, to know where we belong and to find within ourselves the tools that will help us return home; we must not forget to strengthen our relationships with Christ so that we can in turn help others who have become lost--more importantly we must consider how our actions, knowledge and examples will affect the children around us.

Though my biological father fell short of his divine calling in this life, I was blessed with a mother who taught me my worth, how to pray and how to serve and a father-though not by blood- who taught me to be patient, to be strengthened by my trials and that I was truly worth more than this world could give me. I am honored to be sealed to such strong, faithful people. Every day I am grateful for parents who understand who they are and the important role they have in helping me come to the knowledge of my role and place in this world.

All about Respect

Last night my family and I had to opportunity to go to my youngest sisters 8^th grade choir concert, they sang everything from old folk songs to new age pop numbers, with cute choreography to go along with each piece. One number in particular left a lasting impression on me, at the beginning of the performance four girls came to stand at the front of the stage and one by one listed countless things they wished they could change about themselves, “I wish I were funnier, I wish I were as pretty as the popular girls, I wish I wasn’t so awkward, I wish my nose was smaller, I wish I was skinnier, I wish I was taller…” after 10 or so of these statements the girls stepped back to join the choir and sang a newer song by Colbie Calliat entitled “Try”, these are the lyrics and a link to the video -

Put your make up on
Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim
So they like you. Do they like you?

Get your sexy on
Don't be shy, girl
Take it off
This is what you want, to belong
So they like you. Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Get your shopping on,
At the mall,
Max your credit cards
You don't have to choose,
Buy it all
So they like you. Do they like you?

Wait a second,
Why should you care, what they think of you
When you're all alone, by yourself
Do you like you? Do you like you?

Chorus X2

Take your make up off
Let your hair down
Take a breath
Look into the mirror, at yourself
Don't you like you?
Cause I like you.

At the end of each verse the girls would come to the front and list of another 10 things they didn’t like about themselves, but at the end each girl had 2-3 empowering statements, things they DID like about themselves, “I love my family, I like that I get good grades, I like my friends, I love my voice, I’m good at basketball..” then in unison the whole group announces, “I AM STRONG, I AM ENOUGH!” I had goosebumps all up and down my body and was honestly so moved that I was emotional. In all the years I’ve been going to choir concerts (there’s seven kids in my family and I’m in the middle so I’ve been to A LOT), I’ve never heard a more relevant song for a group of 8^th grade girls.

Society and culture dictate much of what we think of ourselves and what is deemed “appropriate”. Right now there is a huge push for people to be accepting of alternative lifestyles, primarily gay marriage. In this movement it has suddenly become unacceptable for me to be myself, to think and feel and have my own opinion about what a family is and God’s role is in that union. In order to love those who are pro-gay marriage-- those people who just want to be accepted for who they are and how they feel-- I must deny my beliefs and sacrifice myself in the process, because being me is no longer “appropriate”. While in the fight to make gay marriage the norm, it is ostracizing those of us who still believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. In order to keep equal rights we must tolerate the beliefs and feelings of everyone, that includes those who do not believe in supporting same sex marriage.

I have a thorough belief that we were sent to this earth to love and care for one another, but it seems to me that these days we spend more time tearing each other down rather and building each other up. There has to be a mutual respect for those that believe different from you, whether you support gay marriage or traditional marriage, we are all still children of a loving Heavenly Father, and our goal is to ultimately make it back to Him...hopefully with the rest of our brothers and sisters here on earth.

Of Missions and Marriage

"A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection." 

-Elder Dallin H Oaks

     I remember the day I decided to go on a mission, it was the summer of 2012 and I was sitting on my kitchen counter watching one of the Elders from our ward make bacon—we had a weekly tradition of having the missionaries over for breakfast every Saturday—while cooking, Elder Schumacher looked at me and said, “so when are you going on a mission?” and that was it. Two months later I was in the New York Rochester Mission, stoked out of my mind and absolutely clueless about how hard this whole journey was going to be. It was rough—hilariously, miserably, wonderfully difficult and I miss it every single day. As always God knew what I needed more than I did. About half way through my mission I was on exchanges in Buffalo, it was like every other exchange that I’d been on; new people, different part of the mission, different companion and new appointments; on my last night there we had one stop to make at a less actives house to share a short message and then head home, but when we got there the Elders had beaten us to it. In short the meeting would have been lack-luster and all in all forgettable, if I hadn’t been so annoyed with the Elder sitting next to me. This Elder said NOTHING the entire time, almost refusing to help us teach this less active and her family, and seemed to me to reek of arrogance. Elder Stoddard had quickly become my least favorite Elder in the mission.

Fast forward two transfers, one mission president, and two companions later we got transfer calls and none other than THE Elder Stoddard was coming to join the area. I was less than thrilled. Over the course of that transfer though, I learned that he wasn’t the arrogant, self-important, pretty-boy I’d pegged him as; he was actually just shy, slightly socially awkward and humble as could be. I grew to respect him as a missionary and then as a friend just around the time I was being transferred out of the area. I only saw him a handful of times after that before returning home in December of 2013; but to my surprise he wrote. Every week after coming home I got a letter and an email, every week until he got home July 3, 2014—seven months after me. He flew out to see me one week after getting home, we were engaged by August and married on October 18, 2014.

We've only been married for six months now have had our fair share of trials already, marriage is hard, harder than my mission and I thought my mission was actually going to kill me! But seriously. Every day takes effort, effort to communicate, to serve, to show love, to show respect, to work together, to take care of one another, to comfort, cheer on and move forward, and honestly sometimes it’s scary.

"There are many good Church members who have been divorced. I speak first to them. We know that many of you are innocent victims—members whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period. Members who have experienced such abuse have firsthand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce. When a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it."

 -Dallin H. Oaks (Divorce, May 2007)

My parents divorced when I was 7 so I always seem to wonder if I’ll ever push my husband that far, that he won’t want to work at it anymore, that he’ll grow tired of the trials we share and lose the desire to move forward with me, but what gives me great hope is the message of the gospel and our common desire to keep our covenants. After my parents’ divorce our family was very broken and it took years for us to heal, but that healing wouldn’t have been possible without the assistance of a loving Savior. As with all wounds many of us still have scars in the forms of fears about marriage, of being left behind, of pushing people away and of not finding happiness on our own. In my very short six months of marriage those scars are starting to fade and I can feel those wounds left from my parents’ divorce starting to disappear. In the April 2012 General Conference Henry B Eyring stated, “It is the will of the Lord to strengthen and preserve the family unit. We plead with fathers to take their rightful place as the head of the house. We ask mothers to sustain and support their husbands and to be lights to their children.” I love this quote because I know it is true, I have seen it in my own life; that when fathers and mothers come together to uphold the sacred callings that God has given them and work together to provide a home where the spirit can dwell the Lord blesses and strengthens them. We are a covenant making and keeping people and with those covenants come promised blessings and heavenly aid in our times of distress and heartache.