Those that know me know of the endless health issues I strive to keep under control, none of which are life threatening, but all of which are an inconvenience...especially when trying to conceive (TTC). I've been told by multiple doctors, visit after visit that TTC would be difficult for me but not impossible and with every diagnosis I brushed it off with the thought that it didn't affect me right now and I would have time to worry about those things later. Well...it's later.
In September of last year I finally felt like Judson and I hit a healthy stride in our marriage, we were in school, financially stable, active participants in our ward and callings, we were mushily in love and finally settled with ourselves and with each other. With General Conference approaching in less than a month I sat down to think and pray about questions I would ask during these two days of enlightenment and revelation. A tenderness pricked my heart and nudged me to jot down the question "How can I prepare to become a mother?", it was odd to see it written down since motherhood was not something I felt slightly prepared for, nor really desired at the time; Judson and I had a plan. General Conference came and went, I listened for the answers that I felt God had prepared for me, but felt no particular promptings concerning motherhood or the possibility of starting a family. Still, the thought would not leave me...I found myself thinking about how to make things work, time frame, my education, finances, health issues and everything else that comes with bringing a life into this hectic world. All these ponderings left me in the same place...Judson and I had a plan, no need to hurry things along, we would have a family...just not right now. Month after month the thought of being a mother, of having a baby, of starting a family, would squirm its way into my head and was now tugging at my heartstrings.
In December my sister, Dara had moved out and we had a vacant room I didn't touch it until about February after we'd gotten tax returns. I decided that in order to keep myself busy I would start decorating our now empty bedroom and began piecing furniture, colors and refurbishing projects together. The more the room came together the more I realized that what I wanted more than that extra twin bed for guests, was a crib for a baby. As per usual I pushed these thoughts aside and tried to "stick to the plan". In March we went to Boise to visit my older siblings, both of which have the cutest kids in the entire universe! Being their aunt is easily one of the brightest spots in my life! Our weekend with them flew by and on the drive back to Rexburg those feelings that had been pestering me for 7 months had had it. I can only imagine how surprised Judson was to suddenly hear me blurt out that I wanted kids...NOW. He laughed and then said we'd talk about it later, but I'd already been putting it off and couldn't wait for another 4 hours to discuss it (bless his heart for being so endlessly patient with me). Long story short we decided we would start trying. Key word being "try", getting pregnant is not as easy as "16 and Pregnant" makes it seem...at least not for me.
I immediately downloaded an app to track my ovulation, bought ovulation tests to be sure not to miss the days that I would be most likely to conceive, started taking all the vitamins I was told would help with TTC and the ones I would need for after I did get pregnant. Everything I could do to prep for the potential pregnancy I was on top of. I've never tracked something so religiously in my life! Suddenly babies and baby things were everywhere I looked, every show on TV, every pin on pinterest, every conversation with co-workers and friends seems to center on children. So when 6 days before my period came I took a test...just to see and it was negative. "Maybe the hormone just hasn't build up enough? Thats gotta be it"...every pang in my abdomen, every odd emotion or craving felt like "a sign" that I could be pregnant. Needless to say I went through 4 other tests in those 6 days and all revealed the same result: Negative, I was not pregnant. After doing some research I realized that I might just be someone who's hormones don't change enough to show up on a test and that I might need to wait until after I'd actually missed my cycle to test again.
So today was the day. I woke up feeling like I'd won the lottery because I'd completely skipped my very regular cycle, but I didn't have any tests left so I hopped out the door to pick up what I hoped would be the final test I would take, the test that would magically show those two pink lines I'd been dying to see and all my efforts would be worth it! On my way home from the store I felt that all too familiar twist of my insides and I knew. The rest of the drive home I tried to stay positive, "maybe it was just an implantation cramp...maybe I'm wrong, I could just be imagining things, It's fine, I'm sure it's fine". It was not just an implantation cramp and the test I bought was no longer needed to confirm what was so plainly in front of me. I'm not pregnant. It's amazing how quickly you can cycle through some of the 5 stages of grief and how long other stages seem to linger; I first tried talking myself into thinking that I could just be spotting, then I was angry that I'd let myself get so attached to the idea that I could really conceive so quickly, that every effort would pay off almost immediately. In my head I pleaded with Heavenly Father to somehow make this work, to reverse what had already happened in exchange for me taking better care of health (just incase you were unaware God does not bargain with you...or me unfortunately), all these emotions seemed to come and go seamlessly...until I hit depression. I understand that it's only been a day...but boy does my heart hurt. I also understand that it takes the average couple 6-12 months to conceive, that I am not abnormal and this does not mean that we are infertile...but I feel like some kid who saved up money for an ice cream cone only to drop in on the pavement and watch as it melted.
Now normally I am not one to share personal experiences or trials out in the open but I realized that I have a long road ahead of me...whether that be more negative tests, miscarriages, endless doctors appointments, morning sickness, a child with colic, or navigation through adoption, and I'm going to need support. My husband is WONDERFUL, but I have no doubt he'll need the support too.
Now for those friends of mine who I know struggle with infertility and have for years...I cannot say that I know the depth of how your heart aches but today I got a taste of it and it was a hard pill to swallow. I hope you'll be patient with me as I attempt to navigate through all these emotions and maybe share how you have continued to stay hopeful in this situation.
If you've made it through this long story of mine and are still with me, I just want you to know that I know there are better days to come, that God keeps His promises and that there is endless love and joy found in the gospel of Jesus Christ, that healing comes and that life goes on. But today I am sad and I hope tomorrow will be better.
