A Foundation in Friendship

       Recently I read an article on Facebook about a woman who suddenly discovered that she was an abusive spouse, not that she was physically beating her husband, nor sexually assaulting him but the way in which she spoke to him was so degrading that she was verbally and emotionally inflicting harm on the man she loved. Throughout her story she realizes how petty she's been and decides to stop, when she decides to be kinder to her husband their marriage becomes enjoyable again; it was a good story but I mostly thought this lady was nuts and promptly vowed to never be that crazy. Fast forward a week and two chapters into Gottman's book, " The Seven Principles for making a Marriage Work",  and I'm rethinking every confrontation my husband and I have had in the last 7 months of marriage wondering if I too, am an abusive spouse. I'll admit it sounds dramatic, probably because it is, but it had me thinking about how I speak to the person I have chosen to spend my entire life and all eternity with, the person I have chosen to have kids with, start a career with, build a home and pursue numberless goals with. I love and respect my husband and recognize that we both have faults, that we have a disagreement at least once a day- usually about something trivial- and that marriage takes work, but I also recognize that we have the same goals temporally and spiritually. Our mission president always said, "Any worthy young man and worthy young woman can make a marriage work", and I truly believe that. When both parties are striving to become like Jesus Christ, the only

perfect person to ever live, you have a common goal and can see in each other the efforts being made to obtain that goal. Yes we still have faults, of course we have preferences on silly things and bicker when we don't get our way, and I'm positive that we could stand to improve in a number of ways; but what makes me love him more and more every day is the effort I see him putting into strengthening his testimony, his relationship with God and his relationship with me by putting the gospel first. There is such security in knowing that Heavenly Father is in all things, including our marriage and our home. 

"In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don't just "get along"- they also support each other's hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together."

-(John M. Gottman, PH. D. The Seven Principles for making a Marriage Work)

     While I have come to the conclusion that I am not an abusive spouse, as I had before been thrown into a panic over, I do have some things to work on. One thing in particular that stuck out to me in reading Gottmans book was the idea that a marriage is more likely to succeed if it is based in friendship, so before running off to change every little thing about the way we communicate and condemning myself for not perfect at this whole marriage thing, I've shifted my onto focus on building our friendship, one day at a time. Friends have a mutual sense of respect, trust and loyalty for one another and encourage, cheer on and support each other in all stages of life, if we can become each others best friend I believe we have a good foundation for a great marriage.